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Okay so firstly, this is going to be a rather long and unpleasant read and there will be a lot of emotional triggers within, so consider this a warning of sorts. If this is likely to offend you, please feel free to skip over this journal, and I hope you have a wonderful day. I simply wish to offer an insight into my experiences of mental illness and the ignorant attitudes a lot of people have about it.

To a lot of people, I have nothing to complain about, and they tell me so. I am from a relatively well-off family, even though I don't get on with them. I am well-educated. I am (apparently...) good looking, and I have friends who love and care about me - why could I possibly feel how I do, right? But beyond that, I go every single waking day wishing that I owned a gun so I could blow apart my fragile skull to get rid of the thoughts within, because taking a fucking ton of pills and slashing my wrists have both failed to do so in the past.

Things started to get worse when I was 16/17 when someone I loved very much committed suicide, but I have experienced signs of disorder since being as young as 11, and I have been a self-harmer since then, too. To most people, the death of someone they care for would be followed by a grieving period and then life would start to be rebuilt, but for me it was when started to fall apart even more. I still see her, as if she were still alive. At particularly bad times, this can be all day, every day. She speaks to me and interacts with me as if she was right with me in the room, and not buried in the ground a few hundred miles from here. I talk back to her, which to anyone watching would see as if I am talking to empty air. A lot of the time, she will tell me that she misses me, and that she wants me to be with her again. It's harrowing, it's bittersweet, and everytime she disappears it feels like my heart breaks all over again. 

But that isn't all. This next part isn't something that is especially widely known, and certainly not in detail, and thus it is sort of hard for me to write but I will do so in order to explain things better. I was raped in two previous relationships, by girls saying things such as "you can't say no to me - you're a man" and "I know you want this really." There are a lot of people out there who think that women cannot rape men, and if any such people happen to be reading this then I make no apology in saying that you are stupendously idiotic. Female-to-male rape happens a LOT. Society just doesn't want to hear about it. Because of this I have never felt able to seek help and up until writing this only a few close friends knew the details. The same women were also verbally and physically abusive, too. Anyone saying I should have gone to the police - not a fucking chance. If the police didn't want to know when my best friend was raped a 15, why would they want to know about something that society as a whole chooses to ignore?  I still hear the voices of these abusers, too. Even though it's been years. It makes me feel like shit. It makes me want to die.

The point of this is that it doesn't matter what someone looks like on the outside. Assuming that everything is fine because they have no physical symptoms is ridiculous and asinine. If people can't learn from the case of Robin Williams then I don't know what will convince them. So I'm adding my own life to the pile as an example.

Here's the thing. Mental illness is, ironically, a lot less judgemental than the people who claim that it doesn't exist. It doesn't care about your race, gender, sexuality, marital status, monetary status, fame. It can happen to anyone, anywhere.

I long for the day when mental illness is taken seriously regardless of outward appearance - but I probably won't be alive to see it.

  • Mood: Sadness


Nostrovelle's Profile Picture
United Kingdom
A writer first, a fighter second.

Hey there. How is everybody doing? My name is Sam, and I am best known for opening my mouth before engaging my brain.
If anyone needs to talk, I'm normally the type who doesn't mind listening.
My friends are everything to me.

I am a meltdown given human form.

Please don't feel like it's necessary to thank me for favouriting your work. If you want to, then fair enough. However, providing art that means something to you for the others on here to see is more than thanks enough for me. Just keep doing what you're doing.

If any of my work has a warning on it, it's there for a reason. Please don't choose to ignore these warnings and then complain to me because what you read has upset you. A lot of what I write concerns things that many people find unpleasant.

I have a degree in Forensic Science.
I also have trust issues and instabilities. Sorry about that.
I am a guy with long hair. Ooh.
I most often wear band t-shirts and jeans of some description.
I miss the days when I could be irresponsible without consequence.
I have an aversion to growing up.
I am always a dreamer, rarely a realist.
I don't, and never will, talk about my past in depth unless I know you REALLY well.
I am addicted to RPGs, especially the Final Fantasy and Kingdom Hearts games.
I love science and nature.
I play the violin.
One of my greatest passions is writing. I particularly enjoy writing poetry and fantasy.
I also love to draw and paint, although I'm not as good at those.

Despite my shyness/introvert personality that can seemingly border on just plain cold at times, I am often the one that people feel they can come to for advice. I like to think that I am an approachable person (well, sort of...) and like making new friends - if you'd like to talk or know more about me (within reason), feel free to drop me a message. I will get back to you. I promise you that I'm not always THAT antisocial.

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Lightninglouise Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2015  Student Artist
omg >///////<
it means sooo much to me that people actually like my stuff >//< \!!!

if u like and only if u want ttooo D: <3 !! Stitch is Sorry plz 
could u like my fb page <3 would mean the world to me !
Facebook Facebook…Facebook Facebook 
Nostrovelle Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2015
Haha, already done before this =P
Cyril-Helnwein Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2015  Professional Photographer
Thanks for the fav!
Faerie by Cyril-Helnwein
TheGhostSiren Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you for favoring my work :blackrose: I really appreciate the support!
DarkMPhotography Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2015  Professional Photographer
Thanks for the fav,I really appreciate your support.
AmbitionDFined Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2014  Professional General Artist
Thank you very much for faving! Much appreciated! Please stop by my gallery again sometime!  :) (Smile)
lintu47 Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you for the :+favlove: Bunny Emoji-72 (Kawaii) [V4] by Jerikuto
Asaiba Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2014  Student General Artist
thanks for the fav Big Fool Emoji-28 (High Five YES) [V4] 
Ultimate-Psycho Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
chrislea Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2014
Thanks for the +fave!  ^_^
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